Architectural Designs - Question for brides, How do I tell the bride I simply cannot afford to be in her wedding?

Question for brides, How do I tell the bride I simply cannot afford to be in her wedding?

An immediate family member is getting married and wants me to be a bridesmaid. I'm happy for her and want to be there, but the wedding involves a trip to an expensive resort and we just cannot afford the expense. Our family income cannot afford luxuries like outside trips. While I realize it's her dream day and it's important to her, how do I get her to understand this??? I work a lot of hours at my job and I just can't afford to pay $800 to $1000 for a trip. We can't afford a loan, don't have space on a credit card, and she's ticked off that I told her no. If we go, it means that we can't pay for our house payment, and my boss has already told me that I can't take the time off from work. I've just gotten a full time job and we're trying to catch up on bills. The wedding is in 3 weeks, and this wedding was planned at the last minute. As a bride, how do you recommend that I get her to understand? I love her, but I just can't afford to go. And no, we can't borrow money from a family member, either. We're still owing them money from when we were behind on bills. I just got chewed out by my father in law for not being part of the family and putting my family before my job. And he says she is being generous by paying for my dress!! Now I have my entire in-law family upset at me for not being there for her. I'd be happy to speak with her, but she never answers her cell phone and my work schedule makes it so I can't stop by her house when she's home.

Public Comments

oh well, you snooze you lose. you said no and that's all you have to say.
If she's your friend, she'll understand. If she's not, you don't belong in the wedding anyway.
start out u know ur my friend and i luv you i support u 100% on the wedding u will have a happy life and i just cant afford to be in the wedding but i will deffinatly be there
Just tell her exactly what you wrote in the second paragraph and apologize. If she doesn't accept your apology then she is the rude one.
Have you told her everything you have told us? If not, then you should. Tell her you boss will not give you time off because it is a new job/position. Tell her you would love to attend and be in the bridal party, but you cannot afford to lose your job over it. I would definitely understand this and so should she. If she doesnt understand and continues to be angry then she is being selfish and is not worth your time.
i think if she was actuallly a real friend of yours, she would know that y ou couldnt afford it, and she shouldnt act snobby towards you just becuase your not financially able too. she needs to understand not everyone has all of this money at hand
You shouldn't have to get her to understand. If she's close enough to you to want you in her wedding, she should be understanding enough to see your point and situation. It's really a shame that you are being made to feel guilty over a situation that you cannot help. I would love to be bridesmaids in all of my friends weddings, but it is an expensive process and people need to understand that no everyone can afford the expense. Good luck! P.S. She could have had a local wedding if she knew people couldn't afford it.
AS A BRIDE I WOULD BE MAD, BUT I WOULD ALSO OFFER TO HELP PAY OR LOAN THE MONEY SHE SHOULD UNDERSTAND IS THERE ANY FAMILY YOU CAN BORROW THE MONEY FROM IF NOT JUST SAY SORRY.
my sister is getting married, and some of our bridesmaids can't afford different things...But since its really important to my sister that they be there she is helping them out financially with the different things they need. So i would just talk to her, tell her your situation, tell her you understand its her day and you really wanna be there for her, but if its as important to her that you are there as she is making it seam than she will understand your short comings and she'll help you out. She should and if she won't than its on her that your not there, not you.
Tell her just that. She'll understand.
Just tell her what u said, and apologize, making it clear that if u had the means, u would be there. Send a gift, then sit back and she'll just have to suck it up eventually rite?
destination wedding are traditionally paid for by the bride and groom, not the members of the bridal party. If she can't afford to get you there, she either needs to trim her guest list or accept your answer with grace. If a friendship is ended over it, she is probably not the kind of friend you need anyway.
If you've already told her no then that is MORE than enough. If she is ticked off the let her be....she seems rather selfish if you ask me. You don't have to make her understand a DAMN thing.....her "dream day" doesn't include havin a stick up her butt because you cannot afford something. Someone like that sounds like she'll make that poor guy miserable from the day he says I do.
Tell her exactly that. If she truley is your friend and loves you back, she'll understand. She aslo has to be realistic that in plannign a last minute vacation type wedding, is hard and difficult to do. Seems she didn't give you enough time to save money to prepare yourself... U can buy her a nice gift or give her money... an amount YOU can afford... she should understand if not, then well that's between you too...
Just be honest - really. You Can't - that's that! And no one should need to take out a loan to be in someone's wedding? WTF?
I am about to get married and we too moved everything up. I as a bride completely understand if soemone is not able to come to my wedding. I reccomend this: Go to her house if it is nearby and sit down and tell her everything. Your situation is delicate and so is hers. Tell her that you are very sorry and you really want to be there, however you cannot afford it. On a personal note there is no reason for you to get a loan to go to a wedding. Send her a gift and a card when they come back and tell her you will love to see the video and photographs when she comes back.
You just stated it very well right here. I'm appalled that she would expect you to spend that much money to be in a wedding. Say no, and don't worry about this another minute. It's just not feasible for you to come up with that kind of money and put your new job in jeopardy. To expect you to do so is extremely selfish of her.
You should work up the courage to let her know soon. You would make things a lot more complicated by telling her to close to the wedding. I am sure if she does want you to be in her wedding she can spot you some cash. Don't worry just be honest with her.
Honesty is gonna be the best policy. Don't hesitate tho since the later it gets the harder it may be to replace you. I know how you feel tho. Weddings cost to much.
I have been in your shoes. I have always thought it was the height of insensitivity for people to expect you to pay an exhorbitant amount of money to be in THEIR wedding. With that in mind, the members of our wedding party were not required to pay for anything. We did what we could and if WE couldn't afford something, we didn't have it, but there was no way I was going to expect anyone else to have to pay to be in my wedding. Tell her that you wish you could be there but your boss won't allow you the time off and you can't afford to lose this job. If she is upset, tough.
tell her how much it hurts you not to be able to be her bridesmaid, but that you simply have too many financial constraints already. offer to help behind the scenes as much as you are able, reassure her that it has nothing to do with your relationship with her or her marriage, and is purely a diffcult but necessary financial decision. she may not understand it or appreciate it now, but you will simply have to stand firm and trust that she will one day.
my cousin got married last year and i was kind of in the same situation as you.. i really couldn't afford to fly out and rent a hotel room and miss the time off of work.. and my boss told me that he absolutely would not give me the time off from work unless a family member was dying!!!! so i just told my cousin straight out the situation and she understood (or so she said!!) anyhow, 2 days before the wedding, my aunt and my grandma pitched in and helped me buy a plane ticket and my aunt let me stay in her room at the hotel.. so i did get to go!! (even though my cousin and i don't get along.. i am still glad that i went, because it is (supposed to be) a once in a lifetime thing..) anyway, my cousin was so shocked and suprised when i came!! i did miss two days from work and i had to lie and say that a family member was dying to get out.. but i guess it was worth it!! if i were you, i'd maybe talk to a family member about helping you pay for your ticket.. and you can just go by yourself, without your husband, if you guys can't really afford to pay for both of you.. just go one day and come home the next morning (that's what i did..) and if all else fails, just let your family member know that you really would love to be there, but your situation is just impossible, and make sure you send her an extra special present to make up for it!!!! good luck!! p.s. maybe she doesn't get it now, but when her and her new husband have jobs and a house payment and stuff, they will probably start to get it!!!!!!! and make sure you tell her that you have exhausted all of your means for going to her wedding and there is simply no way you can go.. good luck!!
Might as well tell her she's not that important to you b/c that is the only interpretation she's going to make. Family must sacrifice for each other. If she was dying would you go visit or would you say you can't afford it? 50 years from now what will you have more regrets over - missing a family member's wedding, thereby damaging the relationship forever...or quitting a job that you will be quitting eventually?
This bride's behavior is a quintessential example of how the wedding industry has gotten out of control. Couples planning destination weddings should not expect everyone they know to be financially able to attend, let alone participate as a bridesmaid. I think it's a disgusting, arrogant idea to plan a destination wedding in the first place, unless the couple getting married plans to pay for everyone's airfare and hotel costs. If she is so short-sighted that she still does not understand, I'm afraid she's just going to have to deal. She's not facing reality.
Just tell her the same way you've said it here. Honestly, and from the heart. Brides can be awfully self centered where their wedding is concerned, and quite often they can't see past the end of their nose. You shouldn't be expected to break the bank and go into the hole for her big day. If she is truly your friend, she will understand and try to accommodate. If she refuses to bend, then she isn't the kind of friend you need, anyway. Please don't feel badly about this, it's not your fault.
Just explain to her that you're really in tight money matters right now and that her wedding came too quickly and that there's no way around the bills you must take care of, and that you wish her the best but right now you can't afford the wedding right now.
Not a bride, but an ex-best friend: Just be honest and tell her what the reason is. It's understandable that she is miffed, if she doesn't know the reason. If she's a good friend, she will understand or will enable you to come somehow. If she remains ticket off, you'll know that she doesn't care about you as much as about her wedding's appearance. Either way, don't feel bad about it, people these days go way overboard with wedding expenses and it unreasonable to expect participants to spend much money. Finally, keep in mind that these expensive "dream days" end up in divorce 45% of the time. Is it really worth spending that much? I went to Europe to be a best friend 5 years ago, now they're throwing dishes at each other... :-(
The best advise I can give you is to sit, talk with her and let her know what is going on. Explain to her that you are honored and would love to share this event with her, but you cannot because of financial constraints. You must make sure that she understand that finances is the only reason why you cannot be there and not any other ulterior motives. She will be disappointed, hopefully not angry (but a good friend would not be), and she will eventually accept your decision and good luck.
If you explained WHY you could not be in her wedding and she is ticked off then she is very selfish and immature. Hang in there, don't worry and hope someday she will grow up.
I had the same situation with my wedding. My maid of honor lived in California at the time (my best friend who moved away), and I live in Kansas. I asked her to be my maid of honor. She initially said yes, but a couple of weeks later, she called me and told me that she couldn't afford everything... the dress, trip, shoes, etc. Since I really wanted her to be my MOH, I bought her dress (not my folks or his folk, ME), her shoes, and offered her a place to stay while in town. She did pay for her own plane ticket here and back though. The point of my story is that if you tell her now, she will be a lot more understanding than if you tell her way later on down the line. If she really wants you to be a bridesmaid, she will help you out with your expenses. Still, if you can't do it or she can't afford to help either (because I know how expensive weddings can be...), just send her a kick-butt wedding gift along with a note telling her that you appreciate so much of her asking you to be a part of her big day. And, although you weren't able to physically be there, you are there in spirit and are rooting her on from afar. Good luck!
I have never been a bride, but I have been in your shoes. All I can say is to tell her that you want more than anything to be with her on her special day, but you are unable to afford the trip. Be sure to let her know that you have explored all avenues for getting the money, but you just can not do it. If she can not understand and accept that you tried, she is not worth going for anyway (as sad and harsh as that sounds). I think she will get over it after the wedding is over. She just wants everything to be perfect...and as long as the bride and groom are there she will realize that it was as perfect as it could be and she will eventually appreciate that you tried. Good luck! Oh, and do not put your family's welfare in jeopardy for a wedding. Pay your mortgage and go to work. You will be with her in thoughts and prayers...and that is all she can really ask of you.
one suggestion... slap her across the face and say..." are u crazy?!?"
I would suggest you be very honest with this immediate family member, and as soon as possible, so that another selection can be made. Tell her that you are honored to have been selected and asked to be a bridesmaid, but due to your current financial situation, it just would not be condusive for you to accept this role in her wedding. If she is a selfish person, (which it sounds like she is), she will not understand and hold it against you. But, if she is an understanding person, she will respect your honesty, and remain close with you. I don't agree with anyone going into debt to avoid hurting the feelings of another. In this case you must be selfish, honest, and think about how this expense to be in her wedding would affect you personally economically. After all is said and done, she'll just be on her honeymoon in an expensive hotel somewhere....while you may be living on the streets cause you can't pay your mortgage!!! Good luck!
I never think its fair that a bride who plans a destination wedding would get ticked off at someone who is unable to attend. Destination weddings are generally cheaper for the bride and groom, but the cost shifts to family and friends. If I was you I would explain everything you have explained here and ask her what she suggests you do.
You certainly do not need to go into details about your finances! Just tell her you are sorry but it is not feasible for you. Wish her the best day ever, and leave it at that! She should understand and not make a fuss. However if you think she will be unreasonable, just take control of the conversation, be assertive but cheerful, and if she starts to complain cut the conversation short and hang up.
HELLO!!! ~PLEASE READ~ I am a bride with a bridesmaid who cannot pay for things also. I wish that she would have told me in advance! I know that the wedding you are in is last minute, so I think you need to talk to her asap. Hopefully she will understand. I know I would have. I wish my bridesmaid would have let me know, because now, the wedding is in 3 weeks and her dress still needs to get altered and she doesnt have her shoes and cannot get her hair done either. I am worried. Please talk to her. It is a huge hassel for the bride! If you tell her and she does get mad, then let her! You cannot go and she shouldn't make you feel bad! You can't make it to all of them! I would have respected my bridesmaid more if she told me before now! (now that I cant find another bridesmaid.) GOOD LUCK!
Just leave her the message and be honest. That is a lot to ask someone to spend that kind of money on such short notice. Had you known for some time you could have saved and planned but you have priorities and a house payment is one of them! Telling her your honoured and love her but financially are unable to attend is the truth. If she is your friend she will understand.
Any bride should understand your situation. You have to be clear though about the seriousness of this expense for you--don't just say "I can't afford it." You should NEVER consider taking a loan out or missing a house payment just to make it to a wedding! That's absurd, and I'm sorry you were put in a position to consider it. If you really cannot afford it to that extent, then the bride and/or her family should pay for your trip if it's that important to them that you be there. It's traditional wedding etiquette anyway, even though few people do it anymore.
You just tell her calmly and politely. Say you would love to, but because of the wedding they planned, you are just not able to. Best done in person, girl, there has to be a way you can do this quickly. Or email, or leave a phone message, and deal with the fallout later. But don't get involved in drama!
My cousin wanted me to be in her wedding. I didn't have the money at the time so I became the person in charge of the guest book and making sure everyone saw it and signed it. But since yours is out of town, tell her you can't afford it. Obviously the person is on your husbands side, talk with him and let him explain to his family that you both can't make it due to work and finances. I am getting married in a couple of months, I don't care who shows up or not because of reasons. I am there to get married not to show off to other people, if someone doesn't want to be there, than that's fine with me. It sounds like to me that she is trying to show off, that she has the most people there, where she is getting married, and how much it costs, compared to someone else's wedding in the family. That's how my family is, my sister is mad at some of my choices that I made already, everything I have done is by the cheapest route. I am not worried about decorating anything, but my mom and sister are. My cousin just sprung up her wedding a month after mine, so that leaves 3 months to plan, which she is so laid back she doesn't care either, but her mom is trying to compete from what my other aunt did for her 3 daughters.
I think you said it well in your question. For a lot of stuff related to weddings and families, I've learned it's just better to suck it up and do whatever will keep the peace. But in this case, your issue is a reasonable one. However, your family doesn't seem to get it. And you can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into. Good luck!
Just tell what you told us honey and if she can't understand she's crazy!!
If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it. There's no use going broke trying to please her. If she can't understand that you don't have the money then that's her problem.
tell her you cant afford it if she really wants you in it then tell her to pay for it
If they can't understand that you can't afford it then maybe instead of being a jerk about it he can help. The bride should understand if your planning a wedding at the last minute than you need to be understanding when people can't make it. I would explain to her that you would love to do it but you can't. It's great to be able to go but you should have to loose your job or compromise your living situation. You know your expenses better than they do. Don't feel bad, they should understand you situation