Architectural Designs - Shouldn't you feed friends that you invite to your house on your dime?

Shouldn't you feed friends that you invite to your house on your dime?

I was brought up understanding that when you have guests in your house, whether its family or friends, it is proper to feed your guests. We are not talking a course meal but you should not ask them to go "halfsies" on take out or the grocery bill if they run out to get things for your visit. Once in awhile its cool to order chinese food or pizza but not every single time you visit! I have this friend (who makes good money, mind you) who for years has always asked people to bring food and/or drink with them when you come over to visit and its drives me crazy! We are planning to see each other soon at her house and I know she's gonna ask for stuff. I'm thinking of coming clean and telling her how inappropriate this is when its constant. What are your thoughts?

Public Comments

Yes I agree, but then again I have been blessed with the desire to be hospitable to guests in my house. I actually enjoy feeding my friends and family (specially cuz they always say how tasty my cooking is). But hey, a good pot luck once in a while is awesome too...but every single time you go to their house?? Well....maybe your friend is a horrible cook and doesnt want everyone to know how bad his/her cooking is?
Not necessarily true in all cases. There isn't anything PROPER these days not in the working world I know. And it depends on the occasion, the type of friends we are talking about and one's budget. It would be nice to always flip the bill but I personally don't know who has the extra money to do that, maybe she doesn't really. I would say unless it is a very special occasion like a dinner party, a birthday, family coming over, friends of the kids or you just want to entertain maybe with some new recipes or something like that I would suggest a BYOD. BRING YOUR OWN DISH party. When you invite them just say I'm having a little BYOD party (to watch Football or movies etc.) if you would like to come. Then I'm sure they will ask what that means, it would be self explanatory BRING YOUR OWN DISH. I have had a Bring Your Own Steak party before, I'd fix other stuff but everybody brought there own special cut of steak and cooked it or hubby cooked it. It's just the actual getting together part that means something. In your case being the invitee, you should want to bring something whether you were asked or not. I hate going somewhere empty handed, it just courtesy to contribute out of friendship or just showing off a new recipe. Everyone in my family is like that. Unless they give explicit instructions not to bring something, then I still feel odd but I respect there wishes. Do you host parties a lot, if you don't then why. And if you do aprox. how much does it cost and who much itme does it take you to shop, cook, clean & get ready? Think about your friend, maybe this will help your appreciate just having friends that actually want to invite you.
Yeah maybe you were brought up like that but not everyone else. Maybe she feels that you people have worn out your welcome or someone has worn out their welcome with her and she doesn't want to take any chances. My mom told me that if I treat everyone to food all the time (people don't come over to my house, she meant out), they're going to use me and walk all over me.
As long as locations of visits are changed repeatedly, then it is ok for people to pay their own way.
I just think it's two diffent point of views. I don't think she's necessary being rude, but I believe she doesn't follow the same "hosting" rules as you. Lighten up and start making your encounters pot luck style if you're gonna get your panties in such a ruff.
highly agree and u should tell them ur suppose to treat ur guest when u invite them not them treating u
You right I was brought up that way too, yes you should feed them on your dime
well if you are invited then you are invited to eat and sleep i think... if i didn't want to feed anyone i sure wouldn't ask them over...
your right.. it is rude to do that.... i wouldnt go by her house if i was you .
i think ur right i cant stand tight asses
i agree, tell her. the guest usually brings a beverage or desert. the rest should be supplied by the host.
I think that if it were back and forth between the two of you, taking turns, that would be ok. However, it shouldn't be expected. I know that when I'm at a friends and dinner time roles around, if dinner hasn't already been offered to me, we usually order/pick up something and I pay for my own.
i'ld keep it to your self...it is annoying yes...but worth upsetting the friendship,no.....just start bring the cheapest stuff you can find...you already know how she is so forget about it.
It sounds like to me she is just cheap. You really need to think about it though before you say something. Is she a real good friend and is this worth ending your friendship over? Because when you say something to her it is going to upset her, and she may not want to ask you over anymore, it is going to make things very uncomfortable. Try asking her over to your house and pulling the same stunt on her. And then say, I am sorry I had to ask you to bring something over I think that is so rude when someone asks that, and just see what she says.
Now days it seems to be appropriate to ask people to bring something and many people ask if they can bring something to help. Look at it like it's a pot-luck type get together. Some folks even bring small gifts to the hostess (just a nice thing to do). It isn't a big thing to bring one item.....at least you don't have to cook the whole meal!
you are supposed to. and its really bad that she suggests ordering pizza and chinese, then expects for you to pay half. you can't change her bad manners, and you are, in fact, eating half of the food. just make sure that you don't pay for anything that you don't eat, tell her that you don't want take-out, and let her know how you feel. but she sounds like a long time friend, so you don't have to be rude about it. but, no, i wouldn't pay for anything that she wants or eats by herself.
Of course when you invite friends over you should be the one feeding them. I make all the food and not ask for money when I invite people over, its just the proper thing to do. If you don't want to provide food then you just shouldn't invite people over. Some people are rude.
I, for one, almost never ask for anyone to bring food/beverage when I entertain, however, when I am asked to go to friends for dinner, I am truly thankful that I have friends, and think nothing of buying a beverage or a nice appetizer that would accent the dinner. I don't ask what they want, because they won't say, but they are always appreciative of my generosity when I show up with whatever I bring. At the same time, I always am returned the favor when I entertain, and I never ever have to ask for them to bring something unless it's something minor that can be picked up quickly on the way over. Besides, I know they're bringing the wine...
I agree with you, but weigh your options, is your opposition to this worth a possible loss of her friendship? Many times things turn out so much different than we imagine, so think it through well. Good luck....
Well as you said you were brought up differently. Maybe the same goes for her. Don't say anything just do the same thing to her next time you invite her over. See how she reacts to that. If she's ok with it then you'll know that she really thinks that's how it should be. Some people are just frugal that way. Is she this way with everyone or just you? I too would never expect anyone in my home to pay for food especially if I invited them.
How much do you value your friendship? Is it worth a few dollars for a get together? We have great friends with whom we watch football games together every Sunday. They always bring half of the food (or vise verse) or share half the cost of pizza. The only exception is the beer. Whoever is VISITING brings the beer.
You are right, it is proper etiquete for the host to supply the food on their dime. If she is a really good friend, you could approach her by saying "I was thinking the other day about proper etiquite when it comes to inviting people over to my house. I have asked people on several occasions to bring things with them when they come over and I have read that this is actually inappropriate. You should never ask anyone to bring something. If they ask if they can, then it is ok to suggests something. What do you think about this?" "As for asking for guests to bring food and beverages… Yikes? This is what young people do when they first leave the house and have their first parties. They do it because they don’t know any better. The simple rule is: you invite, you pay. We never expect our guests to supply the party. You are a good friend for helping her understand what is proper and what will be viewed negatively. " As Quoted In ETIQUETTE BY REBECCA
You are, of course, correct. As the host/hostess, you should provide for your guests, unless you state it's a potluck event. However, it would also be rude to point out her gaffe to her. Instead, you could politely decline her invitations if it comes with strings attached. "I'm sorry. I'd love to attend, but I just don't have the extra money this week to bring pizza for 15 people. You know how it can get tight around payday." If she's any sort of hostess, she'll make amends and tell you your company is more important/
I don't think it's fair to assume anything involving a get-together at someone else's home. It's polite to ask if you need to bring something whether it be dessert or drinks. It's not good to assume that just because someone makes good money, they'll feed you when they invite you to their house. You don't know all the intricacies of their finances. In some families, this is pretty normal for everyone to contribute to the meal... maybe this is the way this host was raised. Unless the evening has been labeled a Dinner Party, I think it's safe to say you may need to contribute in some way. If you want to avoid these situations, make a point to eat before you arrive and arrive after everyone has eaten. Good luck! Edit: Probably what is lacking in the question is what kind of invite are we talking about... people are posting links to proper etiquette for parties and things like that and I assumed that you meant social invitations to come hang out... not a housewarming party or a wedding, etc.
When you are invited to their house, they feed you. Then you invite them to your house and return the favor. How expensive can it be to make a big spaghetti dinner and garlic bread or something? What matters is the company. I would never think of asking someone to chip in for food. It's tacky! (Unless it is designated from the beginning as a potluck supper).
I am wondering how often this friend hosts get togethers. If her house is the frequent or only gathering spot, then I would say it's fair for the guests to bring some food along with them, since she is supplying the house and facilities.
There's nothing wrong with a guest bringing a dish ... I personally was raised it was rude to GO to someone's house empty-handed, whether it was food, a good bottle of wine, even flowers, etc. Perhaps your friend prefers organizing pot-luck? However, I do feel that even if it's a pot-luck, it is the responsibility of the host to provide everything else, and that includes most of the food, by far. And if the host runs out of something while guests are there, the guests should not be asked to chip in for it - especially if those guests were already thoughtful enough to bring a contribution. One thing comes to mind, simply because I find myself in this boat often .... how often do other people invite your friend places? If your friend is ALWAYS the host for the get-togethers, perhaps they feel it is unfair to constantly be paying for EVERYTHING and never getting invited everywhere back. I know that if I didn't organized parties, they would never happen ... and yes, it gets expensive if you're paying for everything for 14, 15 people (or even more) all the time.
if it bothered me that much then i would just decline the invitation. maybe she feels that it gets too expensive to have to provide all the food and considering the fact that you would be sleeping at her house using her utilities its not that costly to provide a bit of extra food while you are visiting. invite her to your place and see if she reciprocates the offer.
Hey just eat before you go to her house.When she says she's hungry, let her order and pay for her own food.
Technically I agree with you, and I would usually not expect my guests to provide food when they were at my house. Nevertheless, I don't feel that your friend is breaking etiquette rules here because she is asking you before you come over. It would be different if she ordered a pizza and then asked you for money after the pizza got there. Since she is asking you beforehand, you already know the "terms" of the visit, so there's no surprise. If you don't like it you can always refuse the invitation. By the way, this isn't all that different from hosting a potluck, and people do that all the time.
I think it depends on the situation. If we're invited over for dinner, then they should pay for everything. We usually bring drinks or dessert. But, if its a big group of us and we're staying overnight, then we usually all bring something. We make kind of like a pot-luck. We usually all talk about it and then decided what we're going to do (and bring) first.