Architectural Designs

Please critique my short story?

White Walls I sit and I gaze upon the lone red fabric chair. With handles of sharp edges akin to blades and legs of asymmetrical lengths, the chair is empty. ”He must be late again”, I think and I wonder as the cold winds of November bash into the room windows. Berry is his name, and he is an eccentric type, perhaps even slightly mad. Always putting on faces, foolishly believing it earns him respect. Sometimes he breaks the stereotype, even tells a joke or two. That is when the world sees Berry's smile and the world gets hope, so they believe his lies. Too few are those moments though. And even if he gets on my nerves sometimes, I laugh at all his jokes; you die if you don’t. Other students will come soon. We all wear the same uniform, yet I don’t speak to them. Instead I look through the only window in the room, sometimes imagining how wonderful it would be if I was dead, and reborn as a roaming, free bird. Unchained, unbroken. That day the sun was slightly weird. Never this strong in the winter, so powerful it was that the old ladies carried umbrellas to shield their bolding foreheads. I was a little amused by the nature’s awkward display. It felt like someone placed an icy blanket over me, when, through this heated mess of wiggly air, in the corner of my eye I glimpsed a sight of Berry's shadowless figure. Realising it must be an optical illusion, a sight of slight confusion; a hint of my insanity, I focused my gaze and noticed him heading for a large red bus in the distance. The outlines of the bus’s numbers were a little hazy, they started with number six, of that I was sure. I was at the edge now, my eyes closed awaiting in trepidation. And while physically I was unable to move, my mind they could not take. And then... I saw it coming closer, my arms outstretched hugging mother Earth. The grass was soft, green and warm. I kissed the soil, thanking it for my safe landing. I could still catch up, I thought, so I ran and I puffed, and in the end I was short of breath, but I managed to catch Berry’s bus. I was tired and could barely move. There was but one seat there, a sweat stained bed. I settled down. My arm hurt at the elbow, the pain made me drowsy and I slept most of the way. We got to the end quickly, the ride was pain free, but the occasional electrical jolt. As we got off somewhere, the first curiosity that struck me was the seemingly rapid change of scenery. An out of the ordinary experience where water fountains and lush greens laid just neath seas of red rose gardens and fields of black sand. Such was the beauty of the place that I stood there for a while, forgetting why I came at all. “Hey, wake up”. A dog’s bark startled me as I attempted to straighten my jacket, a seemingly impossible maneuver. I thanked the dog, caressing its soft skin; I kissed it’s beautiful snout, the slime rolled down my lips. Then just like it came, the dog disappeared. I was all alone again. Then, a feeling of instant jubilation filled me and I was ready to cry in joy when I saw my chance to expose Berry's little secret. Berry was there, embraced in his mother’s hug. The woman looked very young though. She had blonde hair and perky red lips. I overhead him thanking her for the sandwiches she made. I snickered as I formulated my plan to reveal this to all the other teachers. Yes, I will blackmail Berry, I decided. The whole world will know he still lives with his mother. Something peculiar happened. They still hugged as Berry slid his hand down the woman’s back, squeezing her bottom. What were they doing?. My thoughts went back to my mother who I never got to meet. I was angry at Berry. His mother would surely cry if she knew that he threw away her lunch, like the devil he was. I would see him indulge in fast food and sweets where all the others of his kind gathered. The students would drooled and flap their arms, while they watched. I pitied them all. It was settled. Armed with my findings I decided to go see Berry next thing tomorrow. The thoughts of TV in my room made me jump like a little kid I am. I laughed in my happiness, bits of saliva drooling from my mouth hitting the soil below, causing virgin daisies to grow where the earth and liquid joined. I saw him leave the house. I went around the bushes so he would not see me. “See you Anne”, he mouthed to her, as waved goodbye to her. Anne was a pretty name. For a moment I wished she could care for me, but then I remembered people like her do not care of us. I had to get back. I flied back to school. All of the fools gathered there, uniformed, listening to my story. They all congratulated me when I told them. My plan was perfect, I was sure of it. Berry came for a visit to check up on us the next day. I told him all I knew, all the while laughing in his face. Other students joined me, and they laughed and giggled. We all pointed at his big fat face. Crumbs stuck to his big fat lips. Flies gathered on the big fat greased flesh and urinated all over it, their yellow excretions running down his chin soaking my bed sheet. But Berry was not embarrassed. He just looked at me, smiled and made me drink the red pills. The ones I hate the most. "That’s a good boy, George. Be careful now, if you keep this bed wetting business I will have to review your case. We don’t want that now do we. Remember George, I am your friend." Anne came into the room, though she looked different. Her hair was red now. Underneath her unbuttoned coat there was a yellow blouse, inviting looks from the sinful. She asked him if I was improving. I wasn’t sick, why would she say that. He looked at me, and shook his head. ”Let’s get out of here”, he smiled at her big blue eyes. Glancing all the while, winking at me, like the devil he is. I could not comprehend this. Holding hands they left together, shutting the door upon which I saw my name, attached to which there was my file, thick and yellow pages abound. They left me there alone, amidst the insane, a forgotten soul, strapped to the hospital bed. The night now comes too slow. * * * * A little rope made from their sheets And I become, a bird now seen Never was, but now I’m free From above, the dead I see

Public Comments

1. That's really really cool :D
2. It is good! A little too much description and a bit old fashioned though. Keep writing!
3. I think you should try posting this on http://www.chapteread.com. It's a writing site and I'm sure you'll get great feedback and advice! Hope to see your posting there.