Architectural Designs

Will you read this part of my book and tell me if you want more?

Jessica Yates woke with the morning sun glaring in her eyes. The wind blew her white sheer linen drapes, and the birds chirped their little songs. Getting up out of bed, she glanced out to look upon the lovely spring view. Living in Tularosa, New Mexico is exceptionally enjoyable. Everyone knew everyone, and the town kept their roots close to their hearts. The Apache Indians, who founded the town in the late 1800‘s, built a ditch irrigation system, from the Rio Tularosa, that allowed them to farm throughout the bayou. This allowed Jess to look upon a stunning view with gardens in bloom and trees of almost every species you can think of. Jess found that the view encouraged her to go on her morning jog. After getting dressed in sweat pants and a tee shirt Jess did some stretches and started down the apartment stairs. The runs always woke her mind, and energized her body. Coming around the corner, she came upon the park her parents use to take her before the separation. Jess’s mind began to spin with memories of her childhood. In the beginning, her parents where happy, Angela and Robert Yates where the talk of the town. They were both successful people, and they created an happy family, while other families seemed to be breaking apart. Jess remembered that her dad would come in, and swing her mother around; Then he would give her a big kiss, and look at her with a love that seemed to be never dying. They would have weekly family outings to the nearby famous towns like, Ruidoso, New Mexico, or they would go to the bayou, on the south east of town. There they would go to the White Sands National Monument and slide down the huge sand dunes, created by sands washed down from the mountains. Eventually everything faded out, and her parents seemed to change. The look of love in her dad’s eyes faded more and more as the days went by. One day when Jess came home from school, her dad had all his bags packed at the door. Her mother sat on the couch crying and mumbling, “Why her, how could something like this happen to us.” Jess ran to her dad and latched on to his leg, “Don’t go dad, why you leaving?” tears in her eyes and trying to understand the situation, Jess looked up at her father. He bent down and kissed her on the top of her head, “Baby, this is the only way we can be happy again, sorry I just can’t be here anymore.” Pushing his daughter off of him he walked out. That was the last time Jess saw her father. He sent cards for special occasions, but never made an appearance. Jess, only 8 years old, had to learn to take care of herself. Her mother spiraled into a deep depression, which led her to drink, and pop pills to ease the pain. At school Jess only had one person to call a friend, Natalie. Jess let Natalie become her rock during desperate times. As The years passed by, they formed a tight relationship. Upon graduating High School they got a job at McDonalds. Ready to be on her own, Jess decided to get an apartment with Natalie. It wasn’t long that Jess wanted something bigger than McDonalds. Putting a plan together, with Natalie, for a business, they began advancing their futures. When they finished the business proposal and government paperwork for a grant, they became owners of the only bookstore in Tularosa. Now Natalie and herself were taking their very first vacation. Natalie went with her parents to Hawaii, while Jess stayed at home by herself. The vacation was coming to an end, and Natalie was due to be back sometime today. She didn’t notice that she stopped jogging, or that there was a man who watched her intensively. He was captivated by her beauty, and the emotions that radiated off of her as she stood there in a dazed like position. He kept watching her as she seemed to come back to reality, and start running again. Finishing up she did more stretches, and embraced the air conditioner when she stood in her apartment. Her vacation was anything but fun. Although it was a small town Natalie was Jess’ only friend. Consequently her vacation was full of movie marathons and house cleaning. Anticipating the moment when Natalie would be home, Jess decided to take a shower to pass up the time. When she finished up, she looked at herself in the mirror while blow drying her hair. It took her forever to grow her auburn hair to the mid back, and she was planning on growing it a few more inches before cutting it. Her face was a thin oval shape with wide, round chestnut eyes, and a mouth that seemed to complement the rest of her face. Putting on her clothes she thought about how the doctor told her during her last visit, “You need to start gaining weight before the wind blows to hard, and carries you away. There is too much stress in your life, and if you don’t slow down your going to die at the age of 50.” I know the doctor is right, she thought, but there is no way I can slow down. With my mother, and my business I have no free time. Sighing she headed for the livi

Public Comments

1. yes, I would read more! caught my attention, and makes me curious! of course, like most things, there's a few grammar mistakes, but those will be fixed as time goes on! keep writing! i really like it, good job!
2. YAWN...
3. I definitely want more! This was really good keep working on it. Good lucK!!
4. No. It's like a documentary you're forced to watch in class: there's nothing interesting going on and you just want to put your head down and sleep until it's over. Don't start your story with your character's timeline. It's boring and no one cares. Explain the characters' history AFTER you've already gotten your readers interested in the character. If you do it before your readers are just going to think, "Why am I wasting my time reading all of this? I don't care about it. I don't even know who she is." Think of it like you're first meeting a person. Would you prefer for them to introduce themselves as "Hello, I am Jane Smith. I've lived in Arizona all my life. My mother and father were married for 10 years until they got divorced on December 16th. I run a bookstore with my friend although I used to work at McDonald's. I live in an apartment by myself on 16th Street and I have a lovely view from out my window. My favorite restaurant to go to is the local diner, which is owned by Doug Douglass, where I enjoy eating the house specialty. The house specialty is made with eggs, bacon, chicken, crushed tortilla chips, rye bread..." or as "Hello, I'm Jane Smith. And you are? It's nice to meet you. [Various other pleasantries as you slowly begin to get to know each other.]" NO ONE would like to meet someone who was the former. You'd just be thinking, "Shut up and get away from me! I DON'T CARE!" If you want to bring tension or suspense into your story then don't try to do it with one sentence. It won't work. Focus more on the strange man watching her from afar to bring emotion into it and to make the reader realize that his presence matters. And I assume it's either going to be a rapist or her long-lost daddy waiting in the living room? Don't do that. It's cliche. Try to make your story at least somewhat realistic. Two eighteen-year-olds working at McDonald's are not going to be granted a loan to build and open a bookstore together. Nor does it seem very possible for a town to not have one single bookstore.
5. Well, ou gave waayyyyyyy too much details about the family. It's a good start though