Architectural Designs - Husband wants to move, I don't want to, House is not ready.?

Husband wants to move, I don't want to, House is not ready.?

HI, I have a big problem. Finally after eight years of being isolated in a small town, my children and I are happy. We have friends, people that we can depend on, and positive relationships. We also have laid down roots, and have a family doctor (which is hard to come by rurally). My husband and I bought an 134 year old house and two rentals. All of our money has gone into fixing up the rentals, and our house has suffered. He doesn't want to spend money on fixing it up, he doesn't want to hire anyone but himself. He is extremely passive aggressive. I have been the caretaker/worker at the rentals, but to compound things, I have Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. He tires me out, and my friends are a integral part of my support system. He says his main motivation is to move closer to work (which would free up three hours per day) thus to be able to spend more time with the family. His situation at the moment is that he has changed from being the sole driver to now carpooling with four other people. I found that when he wanted to move from my home town, I followed blindly. Three years were spent in a hellish small town. We moved here 8 years ago, and until 5 years ago, I was quite unhappy. Now that things are so positive, I really don't want to move. I can understand that freeing up 3 hours of his time would be beneficial (I ALSO USED TO WORK THERE. ..), but simultaneously, the time that he is at home on weekends, is spent with him surfing the Internet looking at things. Nothing is ever good enough for him, he is cyclical, every season change he looks for a new vehicle, a new house, a dog, you name it. So the time isn't spent productively with us as a family anyhow. His plan is to move us into the country and build a house (I could see myself living in a trailer for the rest of my life). Which would be isolating. I casually mentioned the other day that we have such good friends, and he retorted by saying "yeah, but we are moving". He says this every time I mention something positive about where we live. This has been on going. He lives in a pipe dream, as my house is in the gut/reno stage (and has been for the past 7 years with no changes). I am embarrassed to have anyone over, as the house is really a disaster, and no amount of cleaning can cover up the fact that the place is in desperate need of walls and work. Any improvements, I have done, which he gets angry at. As soon as I am happy, it seems like he wants to take that away. I actually listed our houses on a website, just to shut him up. (no takers). He is extremely frustrating, if I agree in principle with him, it seems to quiet him. Yet, he is scaring our kids (11 and 15) with his remarks about moving. Almost as if we always have to be ready for impending doom, because if we enjoy anything, the "we will be moving" rears it's head. What are the best strategies to deal with someone so obsessed by an idea that is in reality quite out of the question (unless he truly wants to take a loss on our principal house). He hasn't listed with any agents, and he hasn't taken the steps to ready the house, but constantly rambles on about it. How can I tell my kids to ignore their father when he is talking about moving? I have suggested that he stay with relatives during the week in order to save him on time and energy. (Doesn't happen). I have suggested to him couple therapy (won't go), I do have a Psych background, but CBT doesn't seem to work on him. One tactic I have thought of is either the reverse psychology, or not saying that I enjoy this small town. If he had asked me 5 years ago to move, I would have gone willingly. All your answers are giving me hope and making me feel as if I am not selfish. Thank you. One thing, the rental houses abut our property, back in the day, they were severed, and to sell, we would have to sell the whole kaboodle. Believe me, I have thought about it, it would bring expenses down so much and working on this place would be manageable. (High maintenance special needs tenants, and I don't ever want to be dubbed a slum lord). LiFH Yep, welcome to my world. Try living with it.

Public Comments

If the hours saved being closer to work is not going to benefit the FAMILY I wouldn't budge. It sounds like you guys are taking on more than you can handle and should consider selling the rentals and fix up your home. I wouldn't leave and if your hubby insists...let HIM go...someone has to think of the needs of the family unit and not self-help.
okay - the husband wants to move. he seems to like you to be isolated. control issues? either way - i say, if he wants to move, let HIM move. tell him, fine sweetheart, if you want to move, you have my blessing. me and our children will be here if/when you decided to come back. he knows you'll outshine him and get the house fixed...i don't know what he's running from, but whatever it is has a serious hold on him for him to be scaring the kids and whatnot. since he's made up his mind, don't object.
let him ramble on, it brings him comfort, tell him yes if the house sells youll move, it will shut him up and that house isnt going to sell. stop working on anything, you show him you care too much and he views this as controlling.
JC! This is so long! "As soon as I am happy, it seems like he wants to take that away" that really sucks!! Sucks, when the spouse strips away your happiness. I have been there, many times. That's why some people don't get married to the opposite sex, at all, because of little big things like this. Anyways, Yeah, I know the feeling of living in your own hometown roots, in that it can bring immense deep happiness and you feel peace of mind all over. This is hard, about the moving part. But sometimes, you have to go, where the future shines brighter and not just bright but super bright. You have to weigh the pros and cons of a solid bright future versus happiness, living in a very comfortable place and peace of mind in the location where you live at and sometimes true deep love can get in the way of these factors. You guys need to talk about this and make a solid decision, make an agreement and meet somewhere in the middle of this big problem. GL
It sounds as though he wants to keep you isolated. Not a good thing. I wouldn't move if I were you. Stay put where you have friends and a support network.
Hmm... I don't see his desire of moving as a threat to keep you and the kids isolated. I see it as him finally getting a peice of something he's always wanted. But he's totally going about it the wrong way and doesn't know how to go about this the right way. He also thinks that because he's out working every day, that you don't have any connections to this place, and have no concrete say in what goes on, hence claiming it's his way or the highway. if it's been 7 years of him saying he's going to do something and it never getting done, how logical does it sound to believe you will actually move? I'd just ignore his comments, and do the best you can with what you've got right now. It doesn't sound like he has the mind frame or education to go fixing up the house, so selling it to " move closer to work" is his easy way out of doing that, and getting rid of the problem. He sounds like the type of guy who ( you said it yourself) replaces things instead of fixes them or works on them. He has not regard for hard earned work. only hard earned cash. He also has no idea how to BE a family man.. so this is the best way he knows how. IF you can, I'd try and sell one of the rentals on the condition that the renters stay as long as they like, and use the revenue to continue to fix up the house. I know a lot of money goes into the rentals, but you need to continue to put money where it counts. As for the whole moving thing.. again.. he's just blasting off words because he's tired of this, tired of that.. bla bla bla.. hes just as sick as you are of looking at the mess of things. Both of you need to stop pinching eachother with your words and remakrs, be a little more friendly and chipper and continue on your days doing what makes you happy. His excuse for being closer to home in distance time by moving needs to be proven. Nicely, remind him if his extracuriucular activities while he's got free time at home with you, and ask how that would differ when he's home ealier. Chances are, he's going to stay at work longer, so he can get more work done.. because that's all he knows what to do. His head is in the clouds, you're right about that.. but don't tell him.. just let this pass and start prepping for fall season.. distract him with some pumpkin pie