Architectural Designs

can some one review my application essay for Temple University, please?

Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10 years reunion, the alumni office has asked you to write a one page essay about personal and professional accomplishments since graduation. What would you say? What a decade! It was overfilled with accomplishments. Here I am in the same place, where I started my professional path not too long ago. In this place, I feel the same energy that I had once to achieve my goals before ten years. Throughout my road to success professionally and personally, I realized how this great place motivated me towards the fulfillment of my dreams. I also realized how to be a successful human being as part of larger successful society. In Temple University, I experienced a great educational environment, which provided me with all acknowledgments I needed to accomplish my ambitions. Interesting in architectural engineering, I attended Temple University as my first step in a corridor to become a professional architectural engineer. I challenged myself and became a proactive learner. I gained enormous skills and acquaintances during my studying years, wherefore; I felt that knowledge is spread throughout the entire camps, and it can be absorbed from the air. I discerned more educational material in every building, every classroom, and every corner of the camps. Motivated by my desire to achieve outstanding and marvelous accomplishments; I used my education and researched to manipulate some of the most impressive projects. Some of my extraordinary and remarkable accomplishments are buildings which able to resist against the world’s most devastating disasters like “09/11’s”, earthquakes, tsunamis, and etc. These outstanding projects were not just introduced to the world as guards to limit the loss of human in such situations, but it merged with a creative design to make them not merely exceptional but also terrific. In Temple University, I experienced extraordinary environment to improve professionally and personally. Great deal of socializing took place in Temple University. Communication among professors, students, classmates, and friends is a daily routine, upon which structured the community in Temple University. As citizen in that community, I absorbed the same configuration. Talking of personal accomplishments, I was surrendered by massive number of friends; I still in touch with some of my close friends and most of the audience here. I accompanied some of those friends the entire period I spent in Temple University. Furthermore, I discovered a wonderful treasure in the same place. I found my lovely wife, who graduated from Temple University as well and became a professional plastic surgeon. We enjoyed the same educational environment. We also were gifted with two wonderful children, to whom we will make sure to hand down every great principle we have learned. My professional life was not limited to architecture. I attempted to become a professional soccer player, and yet I succeeded. I had a long history in soccer as my middle school’s team captain in Egypt for two years in the row, and then I moved to United States. A year later, I attended Franklin Learning Center. I immediately joined the soccer team. After the first season, the coach decided that I deserve to be the captain of the team for next season. It was my last season in high school, since I only spent three years in high school. Yes, I graduated a year earlier. I took the same path in college as well. I was motivated to present outstanding performance by the same desire to be a professional architectural engineer. I challenged myself and my teammates to improve our skills and our ability to play as a team. As an aggressive defender and clever mid-fielder, I was chosen as captain once again. I was an effective part in the team, and helped to carry out victory after great number of games. In the past decade, I lived the most lucrative period of my life so far, and yet I am willing to achieve even more. I thank God that over-achieved my goals by great deal of help and motivation from every aspect in Temple University. My mission to make the world a better place began here. I am truly glad to be given this opportunity to thank every staff member, who helped me and helped every student to become successful human beings. Likewise, I would like to thank all of the audience for their attention. Also, I wish happy and successful lives for all of you to make the world a better place. I will appreciate your honesty, and FYI English is not my native language. I moved to the U.S 3 yrs ago Thank you for your time

Public Comments

1. I really like how you started it out. I did not read most of it (i read/skimmed it), but i would recommend not using unnecessary (and, silly) words like "outstanding," "marvelous," etc. I am not saying the words themselves are silly, i am saying that you are adding a lot of bread that gets in the way of the read. Such as the following, "Some of my extraordinary and remarkable accomplishments are buildings which able to resist against the world’s most devastating disasters like “09/11’s”, earthquakes, tsunamis, and etc. These outstanding projects were not just introduced to the world as guards to limit the loss of human in such situations, but it merged with a creative design to make them not merely exceptional but also terrific." I included the whole sentences because I wanted to tell you that the way you write is monotonous and not super correct. Every sentence i can see has the form "[clause], and [clause]." It is distracting to me, and it would be better in my opinion if you just spruced it up by adding variety. When you use two adjectives, sometimes it sounds better in my opinion to use "both" prior to listing them. For instance, "In Temple University, I experienced extraordinary environment to improve *BOTH* professionally and personally. " I think you get out of hand with a lot of your comments about your success. It is great to see, and maybe you will decide to keep them in, but going on about your "enormous" accomplishments, etc. just comes off as unrealistic and a little narcissistic (you surely need to be this way a little bit in this essay, elsewise they will think there is nothing special about you, i think you just need to find a balance for it, right now it comes off as really strong to me). Try not to get carried away with all you succeeded in doing. You can list things that you failed at if it provided motivation to another accomplishment. For instance, this is a little curious: "I attempted to become a professional soccer player, and yet I succeeded." When you say "yet" it does not fit, please omit it. This is the problem with a lot of this, the language does not really fit, and it regrettably comes off as if you are not really sure how to write correctly. I like what you are doing do not get me wrong, but it needs to be higher quality than a blog entry. Best of luck!