Architectural Designs - My story, chapter 2

My story, chapter 2 - Is it good ?:)?

Here is my second chapter of a story I am writing about a girl who can control nature, and this is what is leading up to her discovering her powers, but she 'discovers' them in a less cheesy sounding way!! ='D -- PLEASE, do not copy or use any of my ideas, as I have worked hard at this and would not like them to be copied -- And if you can reply, can you state what age you think my writing would be? and what you think of it ?:))) Thanks! Chapter Two – Things that go bump in the woods I got up early on Thursday morning, I wanted to visit the bridge and the woods to see if there was any sign of William, and it was only a ten minute walk away if I took the shortcut. I closed my bedroom door silently, trying not to wake anyone in the house up, tiptoed down the stairs and wrote a note “Gone to school early, got coursework to do. El x” and placed it onto the fridge. Before leaving I took a croissant from the microwave and checked on the family’s rose, the rose used to be frail and old, but its red petals were now full of life. It had miraculously sprung to life over night. I turned around and walked straight into the coffee table that sat in the middle of the living room, the candles and place mats on the table trembled as I hit it. I silently cursed as I walked around the table, placing my bag on my back and the croissant in my mouth then heading out the door. The sun was just rising; it was 5:13, early riser like me today. The neighbourhood was silent, not even the songs of the birds could be heard today. I always thought that if birds sung in the morning it’d be a good day, and if they didn’t it’d be a bad day. Maybe I forgot to do homework? I turned off from the pavement and headed to the park, there was a gate in the park which separated the park from the woods. I passed through the playground, where memories as a child came back to me. The black gate was bigger than I remembered; it was fifteen feet tall… and locked, beside the gate was a metal fence which went around the whole park, also separating me from the woods, the fence was smaller than the gate but had spikes at the top and there was no way of climbing up it or squeezing between each spike. I threw my bag over the gate and remembered that my lunch was now going to be squashed. The gate had a gothic design with many eccentric swirl fixings, which made it easier to climb up. I grabbed hold of the gate and placed my foot on an ornate fixing and stepped up with my other foot, I kept on climbing till I was at the very top. “How did I do this before?” I moaned sitting at the top of the gate, holding on very tightly so I didn’t fall. I tried getting up to turn around and place my foot on the other side of the gate but stopped. What if William wasn’t there and I put myself in danger because I didn’t think this plan through? I thought to myself Oh well, no going back now! I smiled and carefully moved my left leg around and back so that my body was now on the other side of the very peculiar gate. I slowly descended down half of the gate and jumped the rest, I bent my knees and as my feet came contact with the floor I placed both hands on the dusty pathway so that I didn’t lose balance and get my uniform all dusty. The woods were beautiful; trees from each side of the pavement were arched over touching each other, it was like pathway was separating them. Sunlight was breaking through the cracks in the trees, making pretty patterns on the floor. I reminded myself what I came to do. I picked up my dusty bag and wiped off the dust, straightened my skirt and headed down the pathway, just like Dorothy in the wizard of Oz. It had been fifteen minutes since I climbed down the gate. I turned around and ran face first into a mass of branches, the sharp ends of the branches scraped at my face as I forced myself free from the trees grip, branches unlocked from my school uniform and my hair. I sprinted down the muddy grass, finally out of the cramped area. Lost, I was lost. I have to stop panicking. My feet finally stopped, the trees were silent. My breathing was heavy and the pain in my stomach hurt, I had stitches all over. The pain travelled up from my stomach towards my ribs, I bent over and took a deep breath in. The pain gradually withdrew. It took me a while to get my breath back. I began slowly walking, it was hard to get a lungful of air, let alone walk. “Haven’t I passed this tree already?” I thought aloud. I was about to pull out my phone and call my friend but a loud menacing growl stopped me. The hairs on my back stood up and my breathing faltered, my stomach churned. Slowly I turned round to find that nothing was there, I looked up; the same thing: nothing but crows. I made sure that the area I was in was safe so I looked around. Not even the crow’s screeches broke through the eerie peace. “Now I’m hearing things” I carried on walking, and climbed up a steep hill, struggling not to fall back down, when I was at the top of th the hill I began to walk down which turned into a jog which turned to a sprint. I could see the bridge; streams of relief came at me like I was in a wind tunnel. I reached the bottom of the hill and carried on my sprint; my shoe lodged into something making me fall over the thing that slipped me up. I scrutinised the object to find it was a human, but the features of the body was nothing near humanlike: there was blood polished all over the ‘thing’. The skin was ripped and torn; flies started to come towards the body and feast upon it. I scrambled away towards the nearest bush, the stench of blood and rotten flesh entered my nose making me chuck up my breakfast.My hand brushed against something cold as I moved away from the bush, I pulled my fingers away to find that it was William’s lucky necklace, it was broken into pieces. Tears that had blurred my vision shifted down my cheek.--- There's still more, she finds William covered in blood by a tree by the bridge so yuph!

Public Comments

It seems good, but you have a lot of grammatical errors. You misuse the following punctuation: , -- ; : I would get an editor to work out the mistakes. But it was fairly written. I would think that you are 13 or 14. 15's pushing it.
well written, but i read bits and bobs of it so you see... :) . the end got me into it, but i dont think you written it all. but gd gd!
Punctuation and other grammatical errors can frustrate but it was okay. Not a very intriguing read, didn't really draw me in. But it was fairly well written. I imagine with all those commas you're 15, 16. Tried reading some of Cormac McCarthy's writing. You'll see how little punctuation he uses and how well it reads.
I'd reckon you're about 14. The problem is, you seem to be reciting a memory. This isn't good, we get a vague 2D image in our minds. You should be showing us the story, letting us in to your head, making us feel what your character felt. You mention a rose which suddenly sprung in to life, but your character doesn't seem to care at all. Would she not be shocked? Or atleast suspiscious that it had been replaced? Because you;ve just 'told' the story without any sense of imagery or emotion, the whole thing just becomes some odd happening which we don't care about and don't really want read about. I would suggest reading it out loud. Print off a copy and do that, the mistakes will jump out at you.
I like it
First of all... I think you should reconsider the chapter title. It sounds a little cheesy, but that may just be me. I read through it and edited a few things...I put * in front of the sentences I changed. *I got up early on Thursday morning, because I wanted to go to the bridge and into the woods to see if there was any sign of William. *It was only a ten minute walk away if I took a shortcut. I closed my bedroom door silently, trying not to wake anyone in the house up, tiptoed down the stairs and wrote a note, “Gone to school early, got coursework to do. El x” and placed it onto the fridge. Before leaving I took a croissant from the microwave and checked on the family’s rose. *The rose used to be frail and old, but now its red petals were full of liveliness. It had miraculously sprung to life over night. *Turning around, I accidentally walked into the coffee table in the middle of the living room. *The candles sitting on the table trembled as I hit it. *I silently cursed as I walked around the table, picking up my backpack and headed out the door. *The sun was just beginning to rise. *Checking my watch, I saw it was 5:13am. *The neighborhood was silent, not even the birds were singing yet. I always thought that if birds sung in the morning it’d be a good day, and if they didn’t it’d be a bad day. *I wondered what bad things could happen today. Maybe I forgot to do homework? *Turning off the pavement, I headed towards the park. There was a gate in the park which separated the park from the woods. *I passed through the playground, where memories as a child flooded back to me. *The black gate was bigger than I remembered. *It had a Gothic design with many eccentric swirl fixings, which made it easy to climb up. *Beside it was a metal fence which went around the whole park, separating me from the woods. *The fence was shorter than the gate but had spikes at the top and there was no way of climbing over it. *I threw my bag over the gate, realizing as an irritated afterthought that my lunch was probably squished now. I grabbed hold of the gate and placed my foot on an ornate fixing and stepped up with my other foot. I kept climbing till I was at the very top. “How did I do this before?” I moaned sitting at the top of the gate, holding on very tightly so I didn’t fall. I tried getting up to turn around and place my foot on the other side of the gate but stopped. What if William wasn’t there and I put myself in danger because I didn’t think this plan through? I thought to myself. Oh well, no going back now! *I smiled and carefully moved my left leg around the top so I was now on the other side of the gate. *I slowly descended down halfway then jumped then rest. *Bending my knees as my feet came contact with the floor, I placed both hands on the dusty pathway so that I didn’t lose balance and get my uniform all dusty. *The woods were beautiful; trees from each side of the pavement were arched over, as if they were reaching towards each other. *The first rays of sunlight were streaming through the branches of the trees. *Reminding myself of what I had came here to do, I picked up my bag and wiped off the dust, straightened my skirt and headed down the pathway. It had been fifteen minutes since I climbed over the gate. *Turning my head around hearing something behind me, I clumsily ran face first into a mass of branches. *The sharp ends of the branches scraped my face as I forced myself free of the trees grip and branches unlocked from my hair and uniform. *Picking myself up, I sprinted down the muddy pathway, finally free of the cramped area. *Lost, I realized suddenly, I was lost. *Looking around, I started to worry. *Panicking will not solve anything, I reminded myself. *I stopped walking, and noticed the trees were silent. *My breathing was heavy and there was a sharp pain in my stomach. *The pain traveled into my ribs, and I bent over and took a deep breath in. The pain gradually withdrew. It took me a while to get my breath back. *Once I did, I began walking again. “Haven’t I passed this tree already?” I thought out loud. *I was about to pull out my phone to call someone for help but a loud menacing growl stopped me. *The hairs the my back of my neck stood up. *My breathing faltered, my stomach churned. *Slowly, I turned around to find that nothing was there. I looked up; the same thing: nothing but crows. *Making sure the area was safe, I looked around. Not even the crow’s screeches broke through the eerie peace. *“Now I’m hearing things” I muttered as I carried on walking up a steep hill. *When I was at the top of the hill I began to walk down, which quickly turned into a sprint. *I could see the bridge; streams of relief suddenly came to me. *I reached the bottom of the hill and continued to sprint. *But my shoe lodged into something, causing me to fall over. *Looking back, I realized the object which had tripped me was a human. *But the features of the body was nothing near human-like. *There was blood all over it, the skin had been ripped and torn. *Flies started to come towards the body and feast upon the decaying corpse. *I scrambled away towards the nearest bush, the stench of blood and rotting flesh making me nauseous. *My hand brush against something cold as I crawled away from the bush. *I picked it up off the ground, terrified as I recognized the broken object: it was William's lucky necklace. *My vision was blurred with tears as cold realization hit me. EDIT: I just realized it cut off the end of my editing! Huh. So anyways, I re-wrote it. =/
Well, I agree with some of the other comments. The number one rule in writing is SHOW do not TELL. For example, "took a croissant from the microwave." What did it look like, how did it smell, did you put anything on it? The petals were "full of life:" what does that mean? What do you *want* it to mean? Describe what "full of life" means. Grammar can be fixed. Definitely get someone you trust to read it and edit it. Be open to suggestions and critiques. But, no one says you have to make all the changes anyone suggests. YOU are the author and have ultimate rule over your story (except for grammar, I'd say, unless bad grammar is part of a specific character's traits). Some of your descriptions are great (torn flesh, flies, etc). Details, details, details - the number two rule in writing. You can always cut words if you have to, so write many more than you think you need to describe. And as I said, SHOW us what is seen, heard, smelled, felt. Another guide is to remove the word "that" in your writing as much as possible. Instead, rewrite. Ex: "I pulled my fingers away to find that it was William's lucky necklace" packs more punch with something like: "I pulled my fingers away, revealing William's lucky necklace" and then SHOW us how it was broken - what exactly does it look like? Keep at it! Write, rewrite, edit, rewrite, read it, edit, repeat. :-)
it's not good it's great! if you ever make it into a book i'll buy it!
It's a good storyline. Nice touch with the rose. Maybe you're 13? I altered the first paragraph, couldn't stop myself, removing unnecessary words. ^_~ keep writing it. I woke up early on Thursday, wanting to visit the bridge and the woods for any sign of William. It was only a ten minute walk if I took the shortcut. I closed my bedroom door carefully, trying not to wake anyone, tiptoed down the stairs and wrote a note: “Gone to school early, got coursework to do. El x”. I placed it on the fridge. Before leaving I checked our family’s frail, old rose and was surprised to see its red petals were now full of life. It had miraculously sprung to life over night. I turned around and walked straight into the coffee table that sat in the middle of the living room, the candles and place mats on the table trembled as I hit it. Cursing silently, I walked around the table, placing my bag on my back before heading out the door.
very disjointed
You are misusing commas. If it sounds like the end of a thought, put a period. When you wrote that she took the croissant out of the microwave, my first thought was why in the world would there be a croissant in the microwave? There was no description of her putting the croissant in the microwave to heat it up so I can only assume that it was there to begin with which most likely was not the case. I agree with what other people are saying, I'm not really getting a picture in my mind of all the places she goes to; descriptions are missing.