Architectural Designs

What do you think of my first draft? Is it more eyefetching to you? Would you like to read it further or just?

Here's my new Chap Please Criticise: Chapter 1 Dreams Unending It was a dark and cold night. She was standing there alone. The only source of light had to be the moonlight that peered through the huge domed window at her side. It was enough to illustrate the room around. The room was huge with large pillars that were conjoined into the dome shape toward the ceiling. There were windows on both of her sides. The windows had multicoloured panes. The surrounding walls were off white colour with intricate floral designs. She turned around to see the portrait that looked old and tattered with canvas decaying yellowish colour. The painting contained of an old man whose eyes reflected wisdom and depth. It was an old style painting. She did not know how those eyes had remarkable similarity to hers. The same shade of chocolate caramel. Besides that portrait was a similar length square with only exception that it was curtained. Apart from that there was a small space within the wall within which was a statuette of a female deity with a trident that was ornamented with old style jewellery. It was decorated with marigolds. She wondered how those flowers remained fresh at this hour of night. She turned back she saw a queen sized divan with plain white pillows that matched the colour of walls and russet covers. The blanket however was black. The furniture was very little with the bed, the desk and chair and an intricately designed table. All was made up of mahogany. There was even a rich designed closet besides which was an almirah. Beyond the bed was a large full length mirror through which she could see her own reflection, herself dressed in plain blue night dress. She saw herself with her wide amazed caramel eyes, long dark hair that cascaded down her shoulders and bright olive skin that had now turned pale due to fear and astonishment. Behind her own standing figure she could see the portrait with the curtained portion was positioned right behind her. Her eyes moved down to where she was standing which was a beige carpet that at some places revealed white marble flooring. It was not as if she had not visited this place before. In fact she had been in this place twice before. Every time she had been here she had become completely awed with this place. This room held the position of enigma in her mind. She had never seen such an architectural miracle before in her life. This home roughly reminded her of the old Elizabethan houses that she had only seen in movies before. All she desired was to live here forever. The sound of glass clanking filled her ears responding which she immediately looked toward the direction from where it came. Directly above her was the crystal chandelier that was moving due to the air. Twice before she came here she would go back from this point where she observed the chandelier. Yet she was determined that today had to be different. She wanted to explore the depths and mysteries of this place along with others rooms if there were as such. She turned toward the door that was opposite the window and was about to raise her foot to walk toward it. However she could not. She was stuck to the floor as if some invisible force had held her right at that place. Immobilised, she started trembling. Her rate of breathing was raced up to the double. The blood sped up in her veins as if it could break up the walls and spill out anytime. It was then and only then that everything went silent and dark. All sounds of cicadas or the occasional sound of rustling of leaves from outside the window all stopped. Along with it the rhythm of her breaths seemed to come to halt. And then suddenly a gush of wind came from the window behind her and it ran across her making her hair flow like water tides. As the air passed her ears she abruptly heard a whisper that sounded something like ‘Indaaa.....’ As the wind passed out she realized that she could breathe again and felt that the invisible force that held her had released her. She at once turned when she was horrified the most. She saw a pair of dark, hollow eyes staring directly at her from behind the window curtains. They seemed dazzled as she started trembling again. ‘I am coming to take you soon so be ready.’ A voice whispered into her ears and before she would decipher its meaning a scream escaped through her lips. Then it happened. The whole of surroundings dissolved into nothingness like ether. She had a strange feeling as falling down behind the veils, down through some large hollow tunnel. It gave her sensation as though the whole life was sucked out of her. Her skeleton felt to be crushed like shards of glass and her lungs too choked up to allow her some breathing. Then she had a weird feeling of crashed back into reality falling down into her body. She had her eyes tightly closed up to this and startled she woke up finding herself on her own bed in her room. She looked at herself as she was now sitting up to fin

Public Comments

1. It appears to have quite a bit of detail but it seems like it would be a good book it looks like if you were to continue writing like this in that it might end up novel length if you write the same amount of detail and have a good story.
2. Sorry I couldn't read any more than "it was a dark and cold night" the second I read that I can't read on. No offence its boring and over used
3. You have a nice start here! But I agree with the other person, the first line really needs to go. It's cringe-worthy, but no problem. Just cut it. I recommend using your second line and rewording it to, "She stood alone." It's short, yeah, but it has a little punch. All the best first lines do. Another thing you might want to watch is the paragraph length. It gets tiring to read such big blocks of text all the time, so it's nice for the readers and the pacing to break them up a bit. At least let the dialogue stand separate. Keep writing!
4. CHAPTER 1:DRAFT -It was a dark and cold night.(You can be more descriptive. It was a pitch dark night and the weather made my fingers go numb.) -The only source of light had to be the moonlight that peered through the huge domed window at her side.(You could say the only source of light was the moonlight that seeped through the navy blue curtains of the huge domed glass window. - It was enough to illustrate the room around(Take this line out.) -She turned around to see the portrait that looked old and tattered with canvas decaying yellowish colour.(She swiftly turned around to find an old tattered portrait of an aging man who once lived in the house. The canvas layed shriveled up on the wall showing off a tinging yellow color. -Her rate of breathing was raced up to the double.(I vthink you should reword this and add some more details) ~The rest is very well worded and detailed. Nice Job and Hope you have a hit! (: ~
5. I think it's good. I'm going to point out one thing. Detail is good. Always put as much detail into a story as you can. But in your next chapters, depending on their importance, a little less detail might help people understand and not miss anything. Sometimes, people find stories that are very very detailed to be boring. I didn't find your chapter that way, but, I know from experience that some people don't like it. So you might have, say, a chapter with a lot of detail, like this one, and then a chapter with a little less detail as you next one. Merely a suggestion, because you are the author, so what you say goes. But don't get me wrong, I would read further. =)
6. I dont like it. I like your writing, it seems to flow well. But you choose some odd words/phrases. Starting your book off with "it was a dark and cold night" is almost like starting it off with "it was a dark and stormy night" very cliche and overused the only source of light HAD? to be the moonlight. Why did HAVE to be? It should probably just say the only source of light was the moonlight. I dont like the word "illustrate" there. "off white" isnt a great description. I think you have a natural and simple way of writing which is good. But it seems like your forcing some "writing 101" into your writing and I bet it would be better if you didnt. I would say keep it simple describe the scene and drop the overly creative stuff. just an opinion. and dont be too descriptive. it allows people to also use their imagination.
7. In the writing world, what you've just given us there is known as an 'info dump' and that's not a great thing. The whole beginning of the story (at least the first two-thirds of the story) is just a massive dumping of information. It's not engaging or interesting. You want to start a story as close as possible to the Call To Adventure. (If you're unfamiliar with the hero's journey, you should read up on it at the link below!) Knock out all the useless expository writing, and get to something engaging right in the beginning. Once you've done that... You can go ahead and describe a bed or something, LATER, when your character comes to the bed, when the bed is actually important. Readers will pay attention then. They won't pay attention in the first page, though. They don't care about the character yet, they don't care about the setting yet - why should they bother reading descriptions of stuff they don't care about by a character they don't care about? You have to give the reader a reason to CARE before you make them sit through boring stuff.